Guide

The Family Agreement

One page, written together, that ends most rule arguments before they start.

Why writing it down changes it

An unwritten rule is enforced by authority: it is true because a parent said so, in the moment, and can be argued with. A written rule is enforced by agreement: it is true because the household made it, on a calm day, with the children present.

That shift matters more with age. A nine-year-old accepts authority; a fifteen-year-old tests legitimacy. An agreement they helped write is legitimate in a way a rule announced on a Tuesday night never is.

How to run the hour

01
Start with what already works
"What are we good at as a family?" Everyone answers. This sets the tone as a description of a household rather than a charge sheet against the children.
02
Take one line each on the friction
Each person names the thing that goes wrong most often. Adults go too — and adults should name something honest, not decorative. 'I interrupt' counts.
03
Write five to eight lines, no more
Plain language, in the household's own voice. "Phones live in the basket from dinner until the washing up is done." Not 'we value presence'.
04
Include what the adults owe
At least two lines should bind the parents. This is the part that makes the whole document credible, and it is the part most families skip.
05
Agree the review date
Once a season, ten minutes, at a family meeting. Rules that can be revisited are rules that get followed, because breaking them stops being the only way to change them.

When it gets broken

Point at the paper rather than at the child. The document takes the heat out of the exchange.
Do not add a new line every time something goes wrong. A page of twenty rules is a page nobody reads.
If a rule is broken by everyone every week, it is a bad rule, not a bad family. Change it at the review.
When an adult breaks one, name it in front of the children. That single moment does more for compliance than a month of enforcement.

Children do not resent rules. They resent rules that appear from nowhere and apply to only half the house.
Sian Trombley

Try this week

01Book the hour and tell everyone what it is for in advance.
02Open with what the family is already good at.
03Cap the agreement at eight lines.
04Make sure at least two lines bind the adults.
05Put a seasonal review date at the bottom of the page.

The therapist's perspective

Families who write one of these usually report the same surprising thing: the children ask for more structure than the parents expected, not less. Predictability is comfortable when you are the smallest person in the house.

If the hour turns into a list of grievances about one particular child, stop and reschedule. An agreement written to correct one person is not an agreement — it is a sanction with better stationery.

Sian

Founder, Thrive Family Company

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