Daily Practice 11
Pause · 1–2 minutes
Name What's Happening
Three questions that turn a loud moment into a readable one.
The moment
The behaviour in front of you does not match the size of the thing that caused it.
You are about to respond to the surface of it: the tone, the door, the word they used.
Something else is going on and you cannot see it yet because it is loud.
Try this
Name What's Happening
- 01What am I feeling?One word. Irritated. Embarrassed. Frightened. Tired. Rushed.
- 02What is my child communicating?Not what they are saying. What the behaviour is asking for.
- 03What actually needs my attention right now?Usually one of: safety, the feeling, the task, or nothing at all.
- 04Respond to that one thing, and leave the rest for later.
You can do this silently in the middle of the moment. Nobody needs to know you are doing it.
Why it may help
Putting a brief label on your own state can make it easier to notice what is driving a response, and separating your feeling from your child's communication reduces the chance of answering the wrong problem. Choosing one thing to address also helps: attempting to correct behaviour, teach a lesson and manage a feeling simultaneously tends to overload a moment that is already full. Later conversations can carry what does not fit now.
Make it yours
- With a younger childSay the second answer out loud for them. "I think you're finding this really hard."
- With a teenKeep it silent. Naming a teenager's feeling out loud in the moment often adds heat.
- When you're aloneUse it on yourself at the end of the day, about a moment that is still bothering you.
Keep this line
Behaviour is easier to answer once you know which question it is asking.
Try it today
Take the three questions into one difficult moment.
Answer them in your head.
Respond to only one thing.
Daily Practices are psychoeducational wellbeing practices, not therapy, diagnosis or medical advice. They are written to be used imperfectly, on ordinary days.